


Useless Lesbians

by seabagel



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Kinda, Meet-Cute, One Shot, Rated teen for swearing, also jokes abt being horny but its taz what did u expect, but cringe culture is dead so whatever, but im just warning you, i just kinda do it for fun and thats cool, ik its not good to talk bad abt my work but i am not good at writing, its v cringey, this is rlly trashy writing btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 06:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14129793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seabagel/pseuds/seabagel
Summary: "Wooing Carey Fangbattle turned out to be a harder quest than one might have imagined."(AKA a highschool AU I wrote for a challenge.)





	Useless Lesbians

Killian was, debatably, one of the most popular girls at Neverwinter High. However, this was only since she was the quarterback. The attention gained her cheers and compliments after every fantasy football match, as well as spiteful rumours and jealous clics. The one person who didn’t seem to hold any opinion on her at all, though, was Carey Fangbattle.  
  
The dragonborn was known to be a loner. Though, she occasionally hung out with the infamous Magnus Burnsides. Killian asked Noelle if they were dating once and was met with screams of laughter from the girl. She never did get an answer. You could find Carey listening to music in some corner of the school (or you couldn't; she was amazing at hiding), with her black hoodie pulled low over her head.  
  
It was safe to say that Carey intrigued Killian. She was a mystery, and what people _did_ claim to know about her was ridiculous.  
  
"I heard she kicked the ass of a senior twice her size for making fun of a middle schooler." (Killian hoped that one of true.)  
  
"I heard she pick-pocketed Professor Jenkins and got away with it." (Killian didn't hope that one was true, mainly because Jenkins got enough shit from Taako as it was.)  
  
"I heard she's an emo loser who doesn't have friends! And I can _assure_ you that's true!" (Killian may have punched somebody for that one.)  
  
Ironically, Killian didn’t realize she had a crush until one lunch when Noelle said, “You checking out Carey again?”

Killian was, indeed, staring at the dragonborn from across the cafeteria. “Huh? Wait, what?”

Noelle smirked teasingly. “C’mon, don’t deny it now!”

“But, I don’t--” The realization hit Killian like a train crashing through a greenhouse. “How... how can I like her, though? I don’t know anything about her!”

“Judging by your expression, you know she’s hot,” Avi said.

“I would describe her more as divinely beautiful. Radiant. Heavenly.”

“Since when were jocks so poetic?” Noelle joked.

“Nah, this isn’t my jock side; it’s my lesbian side.”

Avi squinted across the room at Carey. “You got a thing for goth girls?”

“Uh, I don’t think so. This isn’t really a lust kind of crush,” Killian said.

“Okay, sure, but if it turns out to be, then keep it to your horny self,” Noelle said, elbowing Killian playfully. Killian just rolled her eyes.

“I have a plan,” Killian announced eventually.

“Are you gonna write her a sonnet, because I can definitely help with--” Johan began.

“No, Johan, for the last time: you’re the only one who does that,” Killian said.

“But it works,” Avi said, planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Gross.” Killian made a face at them. “Anyway, I’m gonna impress her so good, _she’ll_ ask _me_ out.”

Her friends exchanged a doubtful look.

“Fuck you guys, I’m going over there.” Killian got up without finishing her food. She wandered over to the table in front of the one Carey was sitting at. Conveniently, the Tres Horny Boys were seated there.

“Magnus. Arm wrestle. You and me. Now,” she said, attempting her gruffest voice. She thought she sounded pretty badass, but the way Taako burst out laughing said otherwise. On the bright side, it caught Carey’s attention.

“Uh, okay?” Magnus agreed, a bit confused. Killian sat down next to him, and they both put their arms in position.

“3, 2, 1… go!” Merle yelled for them.

Killian began a second too late and her arm almost hit the table immediately. Magnus’s grip loosened a bit, as he assumed he had won, and Killian used this against him. She struggled against him until she was pushing him back slightly. They stayed like that, going back and forth from the middle ground, for a few moments.

“Maggie,” Killian whispered, not knowing what she was doing yet, “let me win.”

Magnus’s brow furrowed in confusion, but his arm went limp immediately. It was actually a little too dramatic, and Killian almost crushed his hand against the table.

Wild laughter broke out from the table behind them. Killian’s face lit up, but when she turned, Carey was looking at Magnus.

“Mags, did you arm pass out? What _was_ that?!” she yelled. It was strange to see Carey, who usually looked so impassive and brooding, completely losing her shit. It wasn’t cute in the way one usually thought of cute; it was loud and natural, sincere and haphazard. The sight of it made Killian purely and truly _happy_.

The group started to make teasing remarks to Magnus, eventually losing themselves in their fits of giggles and nonsensical jokes. Killian got up, leaving almost unnoticed, but her chest was filled with warmth the rest of the day.

 

***

 

Wooing Carey Fangbattle turned out to be a harder quest than one might have imagined.

The one good thing to come from Killian’s fruitless efforts was that she learned a lot more about Carey. There was only so many times you could just-so-happen to be flexing in front of someone without stumbling upon fun facts about them.

What Killian knew about Carey Fangbattle went as such:

  * She can kick basically anyone’s ass
  * She listens to emo music that no one else has heard of
  * She almost certainly is not interested in men
  * After being around her, you often are missing some of your valuables
  * She isn’t very impressed by flexing



Killian was considering sucking up her pride and just asking Carey out at this point, but she had one more chance left. They shared a gym class together, and today the coach had pretty much said: “do whatever you want as long as it includes a basketball.”

Carey was, predictably, playing with her stone of farspeech by the wall instead of participating. Many classmates had followed suit, including Johan.

“Killian, I think you’re supposed to aim at the hoop,” Noelle said, noticing Killian looking over at Carey in lieu of playing.

Killian looked at the ball that had ended up in her hands for a moment and then back to Carey. She could physically feel Noelle roll her eyes. Without thinking, Killian ‘accidentally’ threw the ball in the dragonborn’s direction. It bounced a couple yards before stopping a foot or so in front of Carey.

Killian walked over as casually as possible and picked it up. “Sorry about that, I really fumbled that shot, huh?” she said, giving Carey the most charming smile she could muster. _Should she throw in a wink? No, it was too late for th--_

“Gods, you need to _fucking stop_!”

Killian froze, smile falling from her lips. _That_ was definitely not the reaction she had been hoping for. 

 

At one point, Carey had liked (yes, like, _like_ -liked) Killian. It seemed worlds away now, and it had been dumb. Sure, Killian was cute and could very definitely flex well, but in the end she turned out to be just the same as every other stupid popular kid. (Who even cared about that ‘popular’ shit? Highschool drama was idiotic, and all you needed to be okay was one or two good friends.)

When Killian had first started acting like… _that_ … in front of Carey, Carey had thought the orc might have genuinely been into her. But, after a week of acting ridiculous, it was clear Killian was just making fun of her.

Carey resisted the urge to smack the shocked look that was currently on Killian’s face off of it, mostly because the coach and a bunch of classmates were looking, and instead pulled the orc out to the hallway.

“Who told you? Was it Magnus?” Carey snapped as soon as they were out of anyone else’s earshot. “Has he been playing along this whole time?”

“Wh-what are you talking about, I don’t--” Killian said, tripping over her words. Carey got some satisfaction in being able to destroy Killian’s usual ‘cool and calm’ personality.

“Don’t play this fucking game with me; you know what I’m talking about,” Carey snarled. She felt the ring of frill around her neck perk up slightly. She didn’t usually go for the whole ‘angry, intimidating’ thing, but nothing annoyed her more than dumb people who thought they were _oh-so-hilarious_.

“I promise you I don’t! And, uh, I'm sorry? I--”

“You know what?” Carey cut her off. “It doesn’t even matter, because I don’t even like you anymore. Clearly. So, yeah, you can just fuck off.”

“Anymore?” Killian’s tone was borderline sincere, which gave Carey a pause.

“Uh, yes? Who told you about my… gods, my ‘crush’, anyway?” Carey asked, maintaining an irritated expression as best she could.

“You had a _crush_ on me?! When? Do you still, because if so, boy howdy, we are in luck--”

“You know this! It’s the whole reason you’ve been acting like an egotistical asshole in front of me, Miss Oo-Look-At-My-Big-Muscle-Arms!”

Killian just stared at her, the silence that fell between them becoming more unbearable each second.

“No defense, huh?” Carey said eventually.

“I love you,” Killian said.

“ _What?!_ ”

“Fuck, that was not the cool romantic thing I wanted it to be--I wasn’t doing anything to make fun of you! I really like you, and I… don’t always have the best ideas of how to impress people?” Killian laughed awkwardly.

Now it was Carey's turn to stare. She didn’t _sound_ like she was lying…

“Man, our relationship would be just… super fucked up now, right? Like, it would be crazy to start dating after I yelled at you about not liking you?” Carey said.

Killian shrugged. “I mean, it’d be kind of a fun story…” she half-smiled sheepishly. Carey had to confess, it was adorable.

“Wanna ditch this class and get Fantasy Starbucks?” Carey smiled back.

“You like Starbucks?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry; I only get the Forbidden Emo Coffee there,” Carey joked.

Killian gave a small laugh at that. And then another. And then more. And then, Killian was fucking cackling and, _gods, were those tears?!_

“What in the whole, entire shit,” Carey said.

“It’s just--so insane, y’know? Like, I walk around for a week acting like an idiot, and then you yell at me, and then we set up a date?!” Killian said between giggles.

“You're telling me! I didn’t think _I_ was gonna be the one to date the quarterback, when there are a billion prep girls who would kill for this--ah, fuck, I’m gonna get murdered.”

Killian laughed again, dangerously close to losing it again. 

 

***

 

The next day, Killian came to school beaming. 

“Noelle.” Killian tapped her friend’s shoulder before class began.

“Yes?” Noelle said.

Killian smirked. “I impressed her so good, she asked me out.”


End file.
